Has it really been a whole year? Sometimes it seems as if time has stopped and I'm forever stuck in a dark place. Other days are more bearable and still some hold happiness. It's hard to "deal" with a reality you never expected or wanted, and I'm not sure it's all about dealing with it. It's necessary to really experience all the stages of grief and pain, not just acknowledge, accept and move on (or skip some parts). The death of a child adds complications to your life- Do we celebrate her birth/death? Have some sort of memorial for her? Include her in family things, like Christmas? Do we talk about her? Does it make it less awkward for others? There are more questions than answers. For me there is no middle ground, no gray area- either she is ours, or she's not. And either way, we have to decide- include or not include. It's no easy task. If we include her, we decide to include her forever- she is our daughter, a niece, a granddaughter, a sister to future children, etc. Including Sarah is the harder decision. Ignoring her isn't easy, but attempting to forget softens the pain and is more bearable than confronting reality.
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